How your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected
If you’ve been around here for a little bit, then this phrase isn’t new to you - what you think impacts how you feel, which impacts how you behave. Some people like to focus on one and forget the other two, but - dare I say - there’s a lot to understand in each of the three, and forgetting one will leave you to miss a big part of the picture.
How they’re connected
Let’s start with the first step - how you think impacts how you feel. For example, if you think “I hate this meeting”, then you’ll likely feel irritated and mad. That will then prompt you to do something - turn off your Zoom camera, escape to the bathroom for a few minutes, look at the clock to see if it’s almost over. If you think “I’m not worthy of nice things”, then you’ll be jealous of people around you, and likely do things that hurt them or do things that make you look “better” than them. The actions you take are meant to alleviate the stress you’re experiencing, for better or for worse, and hopefully change your thoughts and feelings.
If you’re reading this and you’re thinking ‘hmmm…my feelings impact my thoughts and actions, not the other way around’, then you may be struggling with unrealistic expectations or codependency. I know that hurts to read, but hear me out sis - as a recovering codependent person who understands how the world encourages women of color to be codependent instead of independent, lemme share and give you some hope here.
If your feelings tend to drive your thoughts, then chances are you’re telling yourself that someone or something is more important than dealing with the reality of the situation. If you want to like the guy you’re dating, then you’ll filter all their red flags through the ‘but I like him’ thought. If you prioritize pride or image over conflict resolution, then you’ll water down and drain out all conflicts to protect the image you’ve created.
If this is you, then don’t fret my friend - here’s what to do! (And if this isn’t you, then still read along for some good reminders)
Have the courage to be honest with yourself: ask yourself why it’s difficult to acknowledge the reality of the situation
Talk it out with someone trustworthy: verbally and externally processing your internal world can help you make sense of what’s happening
Journal regularly: this will help you understand your thoughts and befriend them, instead of trying to change them with your feelings or desires
Address your fears: there’s a good chance you’re afraid of something - feeling disappointed, worried you can’t move on, feeling mad forever, etc. Once you address the underlying fear, you can then create a plan to dismantle it
There’s other factors at play, too
Your thoughts, feelings, and actions are impacted by so many things. If you’re tired, then you’re more likely to be irritated by any to do item on your list than you typically would be. If you’re frazzled from an argument, then you’re more likely to feel worried, tired, and confused. If your home context is stressful, then you’re more likely to be apprehensive and anxious whenever you come home.
This is important to mention because we tend to make a blanket statement of assumptions based on one or few incidents, and then we fall into inaccurately thinking or feeling some type of way about a situation. If you’re tired at a meeting every week, then it could be because of the actual meeting itself…or it could be because you haven’t been sleeping well that week. It takes time to figure out the actual reason, which is great because then we’ll create a solution that actually works.
And how do we figure that out? Good question! Ask yourself “if ____ wasn’t the case, then would I still be feeling this way?”
If my sleep schedule wasn’t sporadic, would I still feel irritated by this meeting?
If I wasn’t stressed from work, would I still be mad at my partner for leaving their socks on the floor?
If I didn’t have a fight with my sibling, would I still dread going to the gym?
The goal isn’t to trick yourself in changing your thoughts or feelings, or even to blame yourself either. The goal is to understand what’s going on internally, so you can make a wise, accurate decision about what to do next. Repeat that to yourself as often as you need to, okay?
You deserve to understand your internal world, my friend. Explore away!
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