Setting boundaries without fear of what ~they’ll~ say is possible (and healthy!)
Boundaries get a bad rap y’all - people think they’re punishment, canceling someone (which sometimes it can be), or a sign that you’re weak. The truth is that boundaries are healthy, and allow for your energy level and relationships to continue in a safe way. Yay!🎉
Let’s start with defining boundaries - boundaries are parameters you put in place in order for a relationship or your energy level to be able to continue in a healthy way. We put boundaries around things that we value and important to us, like people, time, technology, and money. Without these boundaries, things can go to an unhealthy place - relationships deteriorate, energy is drained, etc. Therefore, the goal is to continue having the thing, whether the relationship, money, space, etc., in a way that is healthy for you.
There are 7 types of boundaries:
Physical Boundaries - boundaries around physical touch and your immediate space
Sexual Boundaries - boundaries around sexual activity and experiences
Emotional or Mental Boundaries - boundaries to protect your emotional/mental health
Spiritual or Religious Boundaries - boundaries that allow you to practice your religion or spirituality
Financial and Material Boundaries - boundaries around how your money and materials/items are used
Time Boundaries - boundaries around your time, like how it’s used, with whom, how often, for how long
Non-Negotiable Boundaries - boundaries that are deal-breakers, usually set in times where physical or psychological safety has been breached by abuse or toxicity.
What boundaries look like
Boundaries can look different for each person, but here are some common boundaries that people have:
Emotional/mental: avoiding certain conversation topics with certain people (not talking about your personal life with your boss, not talking about your dating life with your jealous friend, etc.)
Sexual: not having sex until a certain time or point in the relationship, not sharing passwords until they’re ‘officially’ your partner
Time: not using technology after a certain time at night, having a certain number of social events per week
Of the all the types, we usually hear about boundaries in terms of relationships. Why? Because without them, you or the other person or both of you will get hurt! Relationships are vulnerable spaces that need to be protected. Not having boundaries looks like saying yes to everyone all the time and getting tired (aka people pleasing), getting involved in the personal lives of many people, or even oversharing your personal life with others.
Think of boundaries like a bonfire - a bonfire is something that is enjoyed when it’s in a pit, a contained space. It would be harmful if it wasn’t in a pit, not having any borders, or if logs were lying around so it could spread everywhere. Having boundaries makes sure that you’re able to enjoy the bonfire and that the bonfire doesn’t destroy you or your surroundings.
You don’t need their permission or approval
This is a good time to mention that boundaries are a one way street. You don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to set boundaries! You likely won’t get permission anyways, which is why you need to set the boundary in the first place. If they took your feelings or thoughts into consideration, then we wouldn’t need boundaries! But since they won’t, which is their right to do, then you need to do something differently. Their reactions can bump up against the boundary all they want, but they won’t bump up against you.
Some boundaries to consider:
With people: those who you notice bring about a negative change in your mood, energy, or thoughts
Time: not using your phone after a certain time, limiting your social activities to a few times a week, prioritizing time with people who are important to you each week/month
Sexual: what experiences you’ll have and not have during certain points of the relationship
Physical: how you wish to be touched by other people (hug from stranger versus hug from friend)
It can seem pretty daunting to think about all this, so this month in the Let’s Get Real Membership we’re talking all about boundaries in depth - how to know when you need to set them in your life, how to set and maintain them, when you need to change them, what to do when people push back, and tons more. If you’re looking for an affordable way to enhance your mental and emotional health, with some great coaching guidance from me and community support from other women like you, then you’ll wanna join! You can sign up here!
Whatever you need to do to set boundaries, please do it sis. One of the greatest ways to show respect for yourself and others is to set boundaries. Your future self will thank you.🙂
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