To cancel or not to cancel, that is the question

Written By Rachel Ann

I was listening to a sermon the other day that talked about community. The topic was healthy relationships, and what to do when the healthy relationship gets unhealthy. They talked about how any type of relationship can fluctuate between healthy and unhealthy.

One thing the preacher mentioned is how we leave relationships when they get hard and proposed the idea that we cancel people too quickly. That's kinda true. 

I think the question to ask here is why. Instead of realizing that you may leave all types of relationships “too soon” and therefore convince yourself to stay, I think the real answer lies in why do you wish to leave. Have you tried any type of conflict resolution? What's their role in the health of the relationship and what are they doing about it? How are you making the relationship healthy?

While I see her point in that we cancel quickly, I do think we need to recognize that there's many reasons why leaving a relationship may be the right thing to do. Instead of proposing a one-size-fits-all approach, we need to encourage deep thinking and analyzing the “why”. Otherwise we're just perpetuating people to stay in unhealthy and potentially abusive relationships for the sake of "community". This is the case far too often for Christian women of color, where we’re expected to endure pain for the sake of others in an unwise, unholy, and unhealthy way.

There's a difference between staying with someone who has no desire to grow or work on their shortcomings versus someone who is actively working on themselves. So leaving a relationship that is en route to health is different than leaving a relationship with no hope. And yes, as Christians we always have hope. But there's a difference between staying with someone purely for their potential versus being with someone where you can see the fruits of their labor in self-improvement and growth.

Here’s two things to think about when it comes to discerning in any type of relationship:

Grace and accountability go together

Far too often, we hear “you're not perfect either” or “Christ died for your sins just like He did for theirs” whenever we voice a complaint or frustration. Instead of the person taking responsibility for their actions, we're left with misusing grace to protect egos and diminish our concerns to perpetuate hurt and potential harm. This is far too common in Christian spaces to protect leaders who are perpetuating harm.

Not only is this not healthy at all, it's also not biblical. We’re not called to sweep things under the rug or stick our head in our sand. The Bible talks about dealing with issues and providing support as we’re all on a journey of sanctification (Matthew 18:15–17). So something to keep in mind when you're examining your relationships is to remember that grace and accountability go together. You can give grace to your friend while also sharing your concerns with them. This is one of the many ways we exist in tension as Christians - knowing that sin is real and that God calls us on a journey of sanctification.

Ask yourself why you're with them

A simple starting point is to wonder and ask yourself why - what's keeping you in this relationship? How would you life change if this relationship changed or even ended? What does conflict resolution look like with them? Asking yourself these questions instead of jumping to one conclusion or the other will give you a firm grounding of how to proceed forward. It'll also help you figure out what you need to pray for too.

If you’re reading this and rolling eyes saying “Rachel, this is so obvious” then let me add something here - we usually don’t take the time to unpack and process what’s laying underneath the surface of our decisions. And believe it or not, our decision making processes are quite complex even if we have a quick answer or solution. We think we’ve moved on from that toxic romantic relationship but when we’re triggered on a date, we cancel them because they have the same favorite color as your ex; or we avoid all churches that have a CCM worship because your church harm experience took place in a CCM church.

See what I mean? While we need to take time away to heal, it should also lead to a process of unpacking and unearthing too. That way you’re not canceling for the sake of it but you’re canceling with wisdom and much thought to be confident and grounded in your decision.

My hope for you is that you feel God with you in your discerning process. Relationships of any sort can be difficult, so know that God is with you. He can help you figure out how to move forward, push pause, push stop, or anything else and be with you in the difficulty of it all.💜

Need more support? Lemme help you sis:

Rachel Ann
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