The difference between managing & setting expectations in relationships (and why you need both)
Having expectations for different relationships is important. It lets you and the other person know what you value, what they can expect from you, and help both of you decide how to move forward.
The hard part is when you’re disappointed because your expectations haven’t been met. Whether it’s the flakey friend who keeps being late and missing the dinner reservation, the family member who crosses boundaries with disrespectful behavior, or something in between, expectations are helpful. They protect and guide you!
Believe them
A quote I live by is from the incredible Maya Angelou: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” This is key y’all, the FIRST time! You can continue to pray they’ll change, but know that until the revelation happens, they will act a certain way. When someone shows you who they are, you then set your expectations for your relationship with them. That way, the chances you’ll be surprised, disappointed, or caught off guard are low.
Manage your expectations
What does it look like to set your expectations?
If your friend is late to most events, then you can expect they will be late to your birthday dinner.
If a family member consistently speaks to you rudely, you can expect they’ll say mean things on your wedding day.
If your partner complains about being around your family, they’ll likely complain about going to a family member’s funeral.
If your boss emphasizes your areas of growth more than strengths, you can expect your performance review to be critique-focused.
The importance of the event doesn’t change the person’s feelings or behavior about the thing. And what hurts is that your feelings may not be taken seriously, validated, or prioritized. It’s sad, so take time to process your feelings as you grasp the reality of who they are.
Set your expectations
So what can you do about it? It’s important to have courage and voice your expectations for a relationship and share what you’d like to be different. Since people are not mind readers, and a lot of times we interpret interactions incorrectly based on our personal biases, it’s important to communicate.
If the thought of speaking to them seems daunting, ask yourself why.
Have you learned that sharing your desires is unwanted?
Does the person make you feel safe to share the truth?
Does it feel like a waste of time to bring up your feelings?
Asking yourself these questions will let you know if there’s something you need to work on, something they need to work on, or both.
(Hint: a lot of times, it’s both.)
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