The challenge of Christian community, esp. for women of color

Written By Rachel Ann

We hear a lot about how friendships and community are important, especially for us Christian women of color. But we also hear about a lot of drama, gossip, and non-community-like behavior. So if you’ve ever been burned by a Christian sisterhood, friendship, or community experience, then buckle up and come along as we unpack the gaps and figure out how to manage them.👀

Let’s start with some basics about what community is and why it’s important.

How community is defined

A key aspect of Christianity is community - giving to those in need, advocating and protesting for the rights of the marginalized, supporting friends, lovingly rebuking and correcting each other, edifying each other, and having a shoulder to cry on. In doing that, we're hopefully glorifying God and encouraging people to come closer to God. In Christian community, we’re called to work through disagreements, create space for them to just be, and come alongside them in the hardships that they’re going through - see 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Colossians 3:13, Proverbs 16:28, and Proverbs 27:9.

Many communities of color & the global majority emphasize community too - having values and experiences through a “we” lens. We think about how our actions impact other people, we rely on the support of others, and heal in community care spaces. Because of the multiple systems of oppression, you could even say that we need community in order to thrive.

Where the breakdown happens

Now while we all know that we need community, we don't always act like it. Why? I'd say it's a combination of: lack of conflict resolution skills, listening to the lies of the enemy without realizing it, feeling anxious and scared, not wanting to be held accountable, being prideful, and not knowing how to hold people accountable in a loving and truthful way. 

The truth is that a lot of our families, friends, cultures, churches, etc. don't model community that well. They model how to lie in front of others to make yourself better or talking about your friends behind their back because you're "worried" about them or being prideful and providing answers when you really need to say “I don't know but let's figure it out together". But the truth is, many of us didn't really get what we needed in order to learn and become holy and healthy community members.

You can thank generational trauma, oppression, and the enemy for that. 🫠

So what do we do from here? Glad you asked!

We give each other (and ourselves) grace while we learn

Yelling or bullying yourself usually doesn't lead to long-term, healthy results. While it may give you the urgency you need to do things like work a few more hours, sign up for coaching, or chat with a friend, it won't hold up in the long run when you run out of steam and feel “too broken for repair".

What does work is approaching our learning and growing process with compassionate curiosity. Compassionate curiosity asks questions without judgement or punishment. Instead of saying “Every time I speak, I sound like an idiot. Why am I so dumb?” you’d say “What was happening in that moment that led to me asking questions in a confusing way?” That question allows you to explore and unpack the real root of the matter and gives you the space to understand what it means.

We learn what accountability means

Grace without accountability is harmful, so we also make sure to uphold the truth in a loving way. Holding each other accountable means encouraging each other to be closer to God and creating space to unpack and explore the highs, lows, and everything in between. It also means LOTS of empathy and prayers!🙏🏽

What it doesn’t mean, and unfortunately is what we see a lot, is yelling, spiritual bypassing, or withdrawing our love and care for them because they’re doing something we disagree with. Accountability statements look like:

  • “Hey girl, I know you asked me to hold you accountable while you’re dating and I’m noticing that you’re doing things you said you didn’t wanna do. Let’s talk about it - what happened in that moment?”

  • “I’m starting to get worried because you seem tired and overworked. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come in standing up for yourself to your boss, so let’s see how we can tackle this overworking issue too.”

  • “You are not a failure for drinking alcohol again after you said you’d stop indefinitely. I’m sure there’s a lot of things that led up to that point. What do you think happened? Maybe we can reach out to a professional together, to help you avoid tripping up.”

A quick note here: this is assuming that the relationship is safe. If the relationship has elements of abuse or toxicity, then seek wise counsel and make a plan to get back into safety. Your safety is of the utmost importance.

We learn when to speak and when to listen

Sometimes we need to humble ourselves, admit that we don't know the answer, and commit to being on the journey with our friend to explore. Remember - you are not Jesus! While you may be a Christ follower and have the power of the Holy Spirit inside you (amen!), you are not the Son of God, you are not perfect, and you have biases that impact how you show up in your social contexts. A lot of harm has happened from people who “feel convicted/burdened to share”. If God wants you to share something, He will tell you when, where, and how to share it. Many times that means getting the message and holding on to it silently for awhile. Some verses to help you dig in to this more are Proverbs 18:12-13, Galatians 6:1-3, and James 1:19.
 

Also, there’s so much freedom in pausing before you speak. It gives you time to process and organize your thoughts, and gives the other person a few moments to catch their breath and ground themselves after opening up to you. Try this counseling trick I learned back in grad school, where you silently count to 5 and then begin to speak once the other person has finished speaking. This may mean you don’t talk for quite a bit, and that’s fine. The goal is to give your friend space, not for you to show off how much you’ve learned in coaching/therapy and “teach” your friend.😉

We be honest with others and do the work

You don't need to cut off every social relationship while you learn how to be a community member. While that can be tempting, especially for us neurodivergent folks who use black & white thinking sometimes, please know that you can stay in community while you grow. Hopefully, your community has psychological safety that allows you (and others) the freedom to show up authentically, flaws and all, and be corrected when needed. If it doesn’t then you may wanna pray and discern about what your community participation looks like or plan to leave.

You can be honest about where you are and where you're gonna be. It's actually inspiring to talk about how you're growing and sharing resources; others can hear this fresh air of realness, relate to it, and likely begin on a wellness journey of their own!

 Is this whole process easy? Nope. Is it worth it? Yes. Why?

Because God's way of community, restoration, and truth is worth it.

Because your community is worth it.

Because you're worth it.

My hope for you is that you see how community is a gift. You add so much to the communities around you, and your presence has the potential to be an incredible vessel of God’s love, truth, and grace to everyone around you.✨

Need more support? Lemme help you sis:

Rachel Ann
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