What people don’t tell you about healing and why it’s so hard
Lately, I’ve been hearing people talk about healing - whether it’s ‘healed girl summer’ (or perhaps fall, winter, and spring too), how healing isn’t linear, or the widely talked about ‘inner child healing’ work to unpack childhood trauma. People are realizing there’s work to be done and taking time to prioritize their mental health. As a previous-psychotherapist-now-holistic-life-coach, I love that this is happening! But I do worry that sometimes we don’t fully understand what the process of healing is, how to prepare for it, and the toll it can take.
When we begin something that we don’t fully understand, we’ll encounter more opportunities to be derailed and that makes this already difficult process even more difficult. Gah!
So to avoid all that, let’s get real and break it down.
Healing is complicated y’all
Healing is one of the toughest and most empowering journeys any person can embark upon. That’s why not many people do it! It’s easier to use socially acceptable band aids, like buying too many clothes or misusing substances, than it is to dig deep, heal your inner core, and be different than what others want you to be.
Healing is comprised of a few things:
Acknowledging and accepting the truth of the traumatic experience
Noticing how it impacts you present day in different areas of your life
Grieving the desires of what you wanted to happen
Discovering new ways of ‘being’
Providing closure for yourself
Reclaiming your power
There’s more to it than that, as everyone’s experience is unique to the complexities of who they are and their situation. But in a nutshell, it’s a non-linear roller coaster ride that has moments of hardship with a light promised at the end.
Not everyone will understand and that’s okay!
While there’s no blanket rule or approach to healing, there are some things you can expect on this roller coaster ride of grieving, healing, and becoming your true you.
Firstly, not everyone will understand your journey. And, it sounds harsh to say this but - that’s okay that they don’t understand! It’s not their life, it’s yours. It’s not their journey, it’s yours. While they could use some healing (tbh we all could!), it’s not about them, it’s about you. You don’t need their signature or permission, even when they trick you into believing that.
If we’re being honest, we know that them validating the way they hurt you or how your experiences have shaped you would be really helpful…but it’s not mandatory and honestly, kinda unlikely to happen. I’d love to promise you that the person who hurt you would understand, apologize, and change their hurtful behaviors. But that’s not always the case and it sucks (this is one of the things to grieve). But thankfully, you need you, not them, in your healing journey.
Expect some pushback and keep it moving
With all that said, and you may have guessed this next one - you can also expect some pushback. It’s sad to say but some people thrive knowing that others are ‘worse off’ than them or enjoy treating you as their emotional punching bag. If your healing means that they can’t mistreat you anymore, then they don’t want that for you. Sad, right?
So my friend, I give you permission to ignore their hurtful comments that test you and make you question if healing is even worth it. The “you’ve changed” or “oh, so you think you’re better than everyone?” or, my favorite, “that’s not what Christians should do”, comments may come your way. Here are some of my favorite and slightly sassy comebacks - use as you wish. :)
Yes I’ve changed, as we all should really - twenty-one year old Rachel knew far less than the thirty-two year old Rachel, and I have a hunch the forty year old Rachel will be even wiser, stronger, and healthier!
No, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else…but clearly you enjoy the non-healed version of me. That says a lot about you tbh.
Did Jesus stay the same his entire life? I see many verses about growing and changing to become more like Christ, and also many verses about resisting pride and conforming to others’ demands. I don’t see many that talk about resisting growth or continuing in dysfunction, though.
[I’m sassy but also really nice, I promise :)]
At the end of the day, healing is up to you sis. Thankfully, you’re capable of it! Apologies are helpful, but not mandatory. What is mandatory is no longer letting other people dictate your life. Say ‘yes’ to healing you, say ‘no’ to any person or thing that disrupts your health, and watch your inner core heal.
You’re ready for it!
Need more support? Lemme help you sis:
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