When self-love becomes self-obsessed and selfish, and how to avoid all that

Written By Rachel Ann

Self-love is one of the most talked about, misunderstood, and powerful tools in your life journey. So let’s clear some things up, shall we? *pushes up glasses*

Self-love is a journey, not a destination

Self-love is the process of understanding, caring for, and loving yourself. It means you’re taking the time to learn and explore yourself - what are your skills and talents? What are some unhealthy habits or behaviors you need to change? What are your personality traits? Do you show up authentically in some spaces but not others? How’s your mind, body, soul?

It also means you’re taking care of yourself - whatever adds to your health, do it! Whatever takes away from your health, avoid it. And whatever you’re unsure about, seek support to help you figure it out. This isn’t just for your physical health either friend, it’s for your holistic health - mental, emotional, spiritual, the whole thing.

And, like many things in life, it’s a process. There’s no test or end point that says “your self-love has reached 100%, go you!” Since you continue to change because of different life experiences, you’ll continue to grow, stumble, and ask questions. No person is stagnant, since we’re impacted by our inner and outer worlds which tend to change.

It’s the loving part we get wrong

Healthy self-love means you’re dedicated to learning about yourself from a place of grace, compassionate curiosity, and truth…not from a place of bullying, lying, or immense pressure. You don’t make up things so you feel better, center conversations about yourself only, or insult someone else to make you feel worthy or grand. None of that is self-love!

Self-love is doing things from a place of love, not in order to get love. Because you love yourself, you want to improve your stress management, not you improve your stress management so that you will love yourself. See the difference?

Because you love yourself:

  • You want to grow and flourish, not avoid responsibility 

  • You seek support instead of putting on a mask that you’re perfect

  • You accept feedback and implement change, instead of being defensive and denying it

  • You set boundaries to stay healthy, not to hurt other person

  • You budget for things that matter, not for things that impress others

Just like the love you have for your friend compels you to hug them when they cry, the love you have for yourself motivates you to flourish. 

Why is this so hard?

The sad reality is that most of the world is “merit-based”, meaning that you need to prove yourself or do something extraordinary to get the prize. While in some instances that is healthy and used appropriately, our psyche doesn’t always distinguish between the healthy versions versus the unhealthy ones. Therefore, we apply this to everything, including ourselves, which is unhealthy and incorrect. Since it’s embedded in many aspects of society, it’s hard to do something different even when it’s healthy.

So what do we do? We take time to unlearn the unhealthy messages we’ve consumed, we distinguish between circumstances that require love-based action versus merit-based ones, and we seek support to keep growing and moving forward. And we keep it real with ourselves. :)

That’s why it’s a journey, not a destination. Take off the pressure to do it all and embrace yourself in the process, friend.

Need more support? Lemme help you sis:

Rachel Ann
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